story9464.xml

story9464.xml

born-digital

story

yes

no

2003-09-04

I heard about the first plane while listening to NPR on the way to pick up my mother at her house. We were driving together to visit my sister and her family at the beach for a couple of days. Like everyone, including the radio announcer, I hoped it was an accident...until word arrived of the second plane, and my heart sank, along with so many others, no doubt. We watched the news at my mother's house long enough to burn the image of the twin towers on fire into our brains, and headed out of town, passing the smoking Pentagon on the way. We stayed glued to the radio news in awe-struck silence for over three hours, despite the fact that there was nothing new to report during much of that time. When we arrived at the beach, we watched more TV, seeing the footage again and again that no one will ever forget. I remember that it was a simply beautiful day, which seemed so incongruous. My delightful baby nieces, aged 2 and 6 months, were the only comfort, as we tried to make sense of every little thing from an entirely new vantage point. When I returned to DC, I found it difficult to get back to the routine of daily life, needing to stay connected to the world, even if only through television. To help me process the enormous catastrophe, I wrote the following journal entry, even then knowing that I was recording history in my own small way. In the spirit of authenticity, I have not changed a word since then...


Thoughts on the Greatest Tragedy of My Lifetime Thus Far
September 15, 2001
Marielle Palombo

Words cannot express what I am feeling right now, but I believe they may offer an outlet that proves helpful nonetheless, and so I write. This is such a scary time full of extreme emotions and frenetic thoughts. I am shocked, horrified, bewildered, and overflowing with deep sadness about this tragedy of such immense proportions. It is so far outside the realm of what one expects of life that we are all still trying to make sense of it, with little success. I am so lucky to have spent the first few days of this unimaginable tragedy with my two wonderful, laughing baby nieces. Being in the presence of their innocent joy was the best medicine possible. In fact, I keep reminding myself how lucky I am in uncountable ways, and yet somehow that is not enough to ease the grief.

I feel so fortunate not to have been touched more directly, but I cannot help imagining what those who are must be feeling. I am keenly aware that there are only a few degrees of separation between me and those who have lost loved ones in such unspeakable ways. I continue to wonder how on earth I would cope if I had been robbed of someone I loved in the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, or on one of the hijacked planes. I think about how I would feel if I had been in the World Trade Center as it collapsed in an epic blaze. Or if I had been late to work at the Twin Towers that day and my life had been spared while those of my friends and colleagues was so ruthlessly stolen. Or if I had witnessed the horror in progress, people jumping out of landmark skyscrapers as they disintegrated in flames, shrouded by clouds of dust as the inconceivable became real before my eyes. I think about those who endure such horrors for extended periods of time, as in war-torn Kosovo or in concentration camps, and I wonder how they survive. I wonder how to reassure children that they are safe when no one really is.

As the story continues to unfold, I fear there will be much, much more loss. I worry that this is just the beginning of a new era of boundless insecurity, and I struggle to gather the strength to move forward from this paralyzing place. But I am encouraged in knowing that we are resilient, and I hope that the world will come together to smite this insane evil with the conviction that is clearly required. Terrorism is different than war, in that its source is distributed rather than localized, and because it breaks all the rules of society and civilization as we know them. This ?war? that we have unwittingly entered is to be a different sort of war, a leap into frightening, unknown terrain, where the rules as we know them do not apply. But we will rally, as we must. The human race is strong, and history has repeatedly proven that we will not be extinguished without a passionate fight. And the fact that the enemy is so unilaterally heinous makes it easier to coordinate our efforts. I have never seen such a clear demarcation between good and evil, not even in fairy tales.

The main problem is that the single most fundamental drive of human beings as I understand them is survival, and to comprehend what happened this week is to break from that core assumption about human nature. How 19 people (and probably many more whose intentions have not been manifested) could spend over a year planning their own deaths and those of thousands of innocent civilians is entirely baffling. Because it violates the very essence of what we think we know about what it means to be human, it is impossible to grasp.

I am also sickened by the hate crimes perpetrated against innocent Muslims in the wake of this nightmare, and I hope that the victims will not believe these criminals to represent the will of the masses who wish to protect them from such viciousness. One woman said she has been hiding in her house, afraid of being attacked with her own flag. I hope that these Americans will not be scarred beyond repair as they grapple with the same grief and anger that the rest of us are experiencing. On the positive side, Tom mentioned the distance we have come as a nation since interning innocent Japanese Americans during World War II. It is worthy of acknowledgement that the official position among government leaders and journalists is to denounce such misguided prejudice and hateful acts. In a similar vein, I am amazed by the by the rash of bomb threats ensuing in evacuations of large buildings in NY and DC, and by the reported scams to steal people?s credit cards as they try to donate to the Red Cross online. I guess such mass chaos invites the predatory vermin of the world out of their dark holes.

Yet there is good news, too, in the way that people are responding with one generous-hearted voice, and perhaps there is solace in knowing that good outnumbers evil quite overwhelmingly. Americans so appreciate the outpouring of support from people around the world--it means quite a lot to us. It is unusual for our powerful nation to be so vulnerable, and it is comforting to know that the world is there for us as we have been for so many others. The fact that the Red Cross has raised millions of dollars overnight speaks volumes about America?s priorities when all is said and done. In fact, it has become apparent that if we come together, united with clear, common purpose, our power is tremendous. I hope that we might carry this knowledge of our collective capacity for good to the many other societal needs we share.

As much as I am astounded by the depths of evil of the twisted sect that is behind this terror, I am equally impressed by the depths of goodness among vast numbers of people in the face of it. The firefighters, police, doctors, and others who toil tirelessly under horrendous conditions to begin repairing the overwhelmingly daunting damage and despair wrought last Tuesday are true heroes. They eclipse Ulysses and his literary kind with their bravery and compassion, for the demons they fight are real and far scarier than any storybook monsters. I cannot imagine spending the last four days amidst the wreckage at Ground Zero, and I extend my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude and admiration to those who have.

Right now I am trying to gear up to do some work I have been neglecting, feeling that it is unimportant in the scheme of things but knowing that it must be done nonetheless. It is a fine balance between grieving appropriately and getting on with life. I don't know when Tom and I will be able to see each other, which is difficult. I certainly don't feel like getting on a plane anytime soon. But the good news is that we are both alive and well, as are our families and friends, and that is what matters most. I am afraid of what lies ahead, but I take heart in the promise of good triumphing over evil.